Good Evening
This is Tracy Fennell writing an electronic mailing regarding…
OPOSSUMS AND THEIR WILY WAYS
An actual tale of the hunt of the great shaggy mammal of the didelphimorphia order,
SEE HERE
THIS MAILING SHALL CONTAIN INFORMATION ON 9 TOTAL ITEMS, NUMBERED SEQUENTIALLY
1. YESTERDAY EVENING (approximately 2:00AM), I was alerted to the presence of said opossum threat by the vocalizations of my canine associate known as ZILLA. I was soon dispatched to the back porch to investigate the call to action.
2. MEANWHILE, the canine known as BELLE came up the back porch steps, and attempted to familiarize herself with said OPOSSUM – to be met only with HISSING and BARING OF TEETH by the dangerous and rather large marsupial.
3. Previous attempts to shoot the beast with a PUMP-ACTION AIR RIFLE were all met with extreme failure and derision on part of the OPOSSUM and my human family. I decided that more EXTREME MEASURES were needed. I heroically charged at the BEAST, saving BELLE and watched as it scrambled away at a pace which could be referred to as “slovenly”.
4. Previous attempts at blocking the OPOSSUM from being able to find refuge under the house resulted in the beast climbing, somewhat magically, the nearest TREE.
5. ALMOST PENULTIMATELY, I will tell you dear reader that I by chance thought to catch said BEAST to display to all those that doubt my abilities at the FRONTIER ARTS. I hurriedly retrieved a PLASTIC CREATURE CARRIER and a very long piece of polyvinyl chloride pipe!
6. With plastic carrier/BEAST CAGE in place, I highlighted the BEAST on the branch with the MAG-LITE darkness illuminator, while attempting to poke the OPOSSUM into submission with the polyvinyl chloride pipe. My efforts to prod the beast into, as the country people say “playing possum” were a complete and utter FAILURE, as the beast only managed to climb out of the reach of my poking device.
7. Frustration set in as I then moved to HEAVE the polyvinyl chloride pipe at the wooly beast, and as the canine associates looked on, my third thrust of the PVC pipe unfortunately came speeding back squarely into my NOSE.
8. UNTIL THEN, I felt as though my attempts to capture the BEAST were sure. Almost being knocked out, seeing a FLASH, and causing my probiscus to BLEED soon caused my attention to the threats of the marsupial to wane, and I retreated to the house to apply tissue to my wounded face.
9. THE OPOSSUM is still on the loose. BE AWARE.
THAT IS ALL.